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***I was actually thinking about where I (mis)placed this poem the other day and lo and behold, I found it today while emptying my second to last box of college stuff. I wrote this in the summer of last year (during animal physiology I believe) and it was actually the first piece of writing I'd ever recited in front of an audience! But first are some random unfinished lines written on the same page. Do let me know what you think. EDIT: I just reread the random beginning here a few times, and realized what I'd been trying to do.. I think I like how it turned out after all!!***
Random Beginnings:
Eyes like a Venus fly trap
snap shut, startling the air around them
releasing saline juices
uncontrollably
Wiped away by the back of your hand
leaving behind a green smear
and red eyes
dew drops sprinkled on your cheeks,
AND NOW THE ACTUAL POEM:
The icy waves push me out,
they don't want my warmth to penetrate their chills,
to defrost the sheets of ice that have accumulated.
I know I'll get accustomed to it.
Until then, I'll imagine my floatees are heated,
that I'm needed even though I'm but a speck in the soggy oasis around me.
Even though I'm being shoved out
and my hypotonic nature is at odds with your hypertonicity.
Even though I retain my shape and you constantly lose yours.
I'll try wading in a little deeper every time,
because I'm drawn to your deep blues.
But the coldness freezes my legs in place.
A little fire would be nice.
It doesn't seem like my yellow will turn green.
You flow around me,
but I stand in place--Still
afraid of losing my balance,
careful not to slip,
because I'm not sure if lost in your own depths
you'd push me back up to the surface
or even notice I'm no longer there.
I understand that due to your vastness
you aren't always aware of where you are,
you can't be.
But I can only stand this coldness for so long.
My teeth are already chattering and my body shivering.
A flickering flame would be nice.
Edit #2:
The icy waves push me out.
They don’t want my warmth to penetrate their chills.
I know I’ll get used to it with time.
Until then, I'll imagine my floatees are heated,
that I'm needed even though I'm but a speck in the soggy oasis
Even though I'm being shoved out
My hypotonic nature at odds with your hypertonicity.
I'll try wading in a little deeper
Because I’m drawn to your deep blues.
But it doesn't seem like my yellow will turn green.
A little fire would be nice.
You flow around me,
as I retain my shape and you constantly lose yours.
but I stand in place careful not to slip,
afraid of losing my balance,
because I'm not sure if lost in your own depths
you'd push me back up to the surface
or even notice I'm no longer there.
***(NAZIFA how can I fix the last three lines you are referring to here: (“the last three lines feel like exposition more than a real integral part of the poem – I’d think about rewording them to add some more flow”)? I did change the stanza a little, did it help?)
I understand that due to your vastness
you aren't always aware of where you are,
But I can only stand this coldness for so long.
My teeth are already chattering and my body shivering.
A flickering flame would be nice.
The icy waves push me out,
ReplyDeletethey don't want my warmth to penetrate their chills,
(I cut the third line considering that it’s kind of a rehash of what comes before – no need to repeat yourself)
I know I'll get [used] to it [with time]
Until then, I'll imagine my floatees are heated,
that I'm needed even though I'm but a speck in the soggy oasis (cut for conciseness)
Even though I'm being shoved out
and my hypotonic nature is at odds with your hypertonicity. (lots of syllables, breaks flows and is kind of difficult to say aloud – if you’re not attached to this line I’d consider cutting it)
Even though I retain my shape and you constantly lose yours.
I'll try wading in a little deeper
I'm drawn to your deep blues.
But the coldness freezes my legs in place.
A little fire would be nice.
It doesn't seem like my yellow will turn green.
(this stanza feels a bit disjointed – more connections between ideas could help, or just cutting extraneous material)
You flow around me,
but I stand in place
afraid of losing my balance,
careful not to slip,
because I'm not sure if lost in your own depths
you'd push me back up to the surface
or even notice I'm no longer there.
(the last three lines feel like exposition more than a real integral part of the poem – I’d think about rewording them to add some more flow)
I understand that due to your vastness
you aren't always aware of where you are,
you can't be.
But I can only stand this coldness for so long.
My teeth are already chattering and my body shivering.
A flickering flame would be nice.
(I think, overall – you will want to cut a lot of lines to get to a leaner, more forceful poem that really pinpoints what you want to say. Right now it’s a little meandering which, in this particular case, doesn’t help the poem so much as hurt it.)
Thanks for the feedback Nazifa! I'll take a look at your suggestions this weekend and edit the poem accordingly. You are definitely correct in saying that reducing the redundancy in the poem will give it more oomph.
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